Glutes

I am waiting to check out at Wegman's yesterday and couldn't help noticing a magazine called "Glutes".  An entire magazine devoted to "your best butt ever".  How could I refrain from dropping $5.99 on this gem?

Unpack the car, pour myself some diet ice tea and open the magazine.  The table of Contents is encouraging.  Articles on how to eat to lift your bottom, what to wear to make it round and tons of exercises that only take a few minutes a day to give you the perfectly sculpted tush.  I can zap butt fat and look sexy from behind with only 16 minute workouts and in only 7 weeks time frame.  I can do this.  Already I feel my ass tightening.

Problem one. These models are ripped.  I mean like body builders.  The first few ads could not possibly be real women.  And by the way the ads are not for low fat cheese they are for things like Myofusion and Hydroxycut Max - nutritional supplements to build muscle.  Uh oh.

Problem two.   I page to the first set of 5 exercises.  A new (at least new to me) technique called plyometrics.  This will increase my caloric burn and keep my metabolism revving all day.  Cannot be easy.  The point is to jump - yes I said jump - from one position to the next.  Let me explain.  Start in a lunge position, jump and land with the opposite leg in front.  Does this sound complicated to you?  Try it, I knocked down a lamp and just about broke my knee cap.  That was the first and what appeared to be the easiest exercise.

Now I am thinking maybe I could just get this hot ass by eating right.  Upon further reading, I found problem three.  This eating plan is to build muscle not to lose weight.  Apparently it doesn't matter how tight you backside is if it is carrying an extra 10 pounds it will still look flabby.

Three strikes you're out.  The Glute magazine is now adorning my magazine rack and my "sexy" ass is sitting on the coach with a bag of chips.