The Bat Hunter

My husband and I were walking back to our house after a strenuous yet peaceful yoga session.  Our conversation ( borderline bicker over whose flamingo pose was stronger) was suddenly halted as we see our son racing from the house dressed ... peculiarly.  He was wearing sneakers, pajama bottoms, a hoodie, scarf, gloves and googles.  It is nighttime and about 80 degrees.  What the hell is going on?

My first reaction was that he was higher than a kite and we are going to have issues.  I yell out "What the hell is going on?"  So much for that calm serene yoga afterglow.  He screams that there is a giant bat in the house.  Interesting choice for bat fighting gear, but at least i don't have to worry about drugs tonight.

Apparently he was walking past the library and saw it fly by.  He ran upstairs, closed his bedroom door and suited up.  Called both our cells, which of course were not next to us in our yoga class, and then realized he had to act.  Not wanting us to enter the house and be attacked,  he left his room, past the crazy flying monster, grabbed the dog and went outside.

When we got into the house, the bat was going crazy racing from upstairs to down and back again.  My husband trapped him in our son's room.  Our son was behind the door outside the room asking for the play by play.  Just then I hear a little girl screech...no that was my teenage son after seeing the bar squeeze under his door and pass his feet.

Over an 1 hour of chasing, screaming and me hiding, the bat was lead out the kitchen door.  He was the largest bat I had ever seen with what had to be a 2 foot wing span.  This is our first and hopefully last visitor of the season.  Back to Home Depot to get a new low pitch audio device to keep them out!

I only wish I had a photo of my son the BAT HUNTER.  Later that night, our "fearless" bat hunter was searching for rabies symptoms sure that somehow that bat bit him without his knowledge.

Nieces and Nephews

My sister and her kids came into town this weekend and it was two days of full family.  Starting at my mom's house all 20 or so of use had a bbq.  This involved lots of eating, drinking and laughing while the kids ran around with squirt guns, frisbees and lacrosse sticks.

The kids range in age from the youngest Helana at 3 to the oldest my baby at 14.  They played together marvelously.

Then my brother offered to take all the kids for a sleepover at his place.  Trampoline, swimming, late movies and more laughter.  Sunday was my turn. Bring the group to Elmwood to walk, shop and once again eat.  The kids played in the hot tub and ran through all three floors of the house.  It was awesome to see all the cousins enjoying each other so much.

Not forgetting the adults, we spent the time discussing everything from teacher salaries, past indiscretions, kid issues to our futures.  My family may make me crazy on a fairly regular basis but I realize how fortunate I am to have them as a support network and balancing foundation.

Check out these beauties!

Email Virus

Woke up this morning to find that some medical company worm got into my hotmail account and sent ALL my contacts a bogus email regarding pharmaceuticals.   So now I am getting emails from people I have not spoke to in years, asking what the hell I am doing.

I subscribed to this email account back when email first started.  Seriously.  I have used it for something like 20 years.  I have every parent in my son's class in that list,  every person I  worked with or for, every board member from every board I have served on and all my friends and family.  I am so completely embarrassed by this.

Now I will need to cancel my account and create a new one.  Big Giant Pain In the A$%.

If you received such a link from me, I am very sorry and have no idea what happened.

Embarrassed at Yoga

I love doing yoga.  Several years ago,  I would practice about 3 times a week and never felt better.  After the pace maker I stopped going.  Well my wonderful husband bought us yoga classes for the next 6 weeks.    It is awesome to get back into it.

Usually I mock my hubby during this time.  He has been known to laugh at the participant's flatulence; expose some serious crack during the downward dog, snoring during our srivasana  and get stuck in a binding pose.  I know I am being mean when he is so sweet to do this to me. But I think I am better at this and there are few things I do better than my husband. Not too competitive huh?

So last night we are at yoga and I am feeling a little off.  It is warm and I am tired.  During our floor stretches I notice my husband is pretty flexible so of course I need to one up him in the balancing pose.  He pushes me over.  We wonder why the kid gets in trouble in school when he has two parents yuking it up at yoga.  Anyway, it was a great class and we are ready to rest.

The last five minutes of class you lie down and completely relax.  Usually our favorite part.  The instructor pulls you out of this relaxation with three chime rings.  A gentle awakening.  I don't know why, it could have been the low lights and slight breeze from the window, but I fell asleep.  This never happens.  I don't even fall asleep that fast when I am trying.  I am out cold.  Did not hear the chimes.  Next thing I know I hear the instructor.  I jump up to see that the entire class is in the sitting pose (I am lying down) and looking in my direction. Mortified I jump into the sitting pose in time to say Namaste.


Gathering what little pride I have left, we leave the room and start our walk home.  I look at my husband and chastise him for not waking me. "Why didn't you nudge me or say something?"  He gives me that sneaky look and states "Apparently I am the better yoga master who can control my body and mind".

Hubby 1:  Bonnie 0

Drug Test Questions

I am starting a new job and they require a background check and drug test.  So this morning I left the house at 7:00 am to drive to Rochester for my mandatory test.  Asked my son to go along for the ride and keep me company.

Hour fifteen minutes there, three minutes to pee in cup, and an hour fifteen back.  The conversation on the way back was worth the drive.  My teenage son found it hysterical that I would have to take a drug test.  His questions and scenarios were non-stop.

KID:  What do they test for?  Prescription drugs, pot, etc?
ME:  Cocaine and marijuana.
KID:  Why not crack and heroin?
ME:  Because if I was on crack or heroin I would not have been able to make it past the first interview.
KID:  Do drug addicts use other people's urine?  How about animals?  Raccoons?
ME: You cannot use animal urine.  Its different.
KID: How?  They eat meat and vegetation like us.  What if the raccoon ate people food?  Urine is just waste right?
ME:  Are we really having this conversation?
KID:  I guess it is ridiculous because you could never get a raccoon to pee in a cup. (shy smile)

Then we moved to all the nicknames for drugs he "learned" through health class and why the drugs were called those names.  Moving on to who discovered certain drugs?  What if you accidentally used drugs in your food, like coccaine thinking it was sugar.

Then onto what if you fail the test.  I won't I don't do drugs.  What if there is some mix up? Aren't you concerned that your new employer thinks you're a drug user?  What did you wear on your interview?  I told you the eye makeup makes you look dark and evil...some would say strung out.

Seriously, he kept me discussing this topic for the full hour and fifteen minutes home. I tried to interject continually with the dangers of drugs and how I will kill him if he ever tries them.

As we pulled into the driveway he showed me the business card he took from the testing place.  Claimed he was going to let all his friends know that he had to accompany me to mandatory drug testing. Should get some lovely calls from parents this month.

Shopping with my Nieces

Last week I decided I wanted to purchase some new work clothes.  My sister, also my ultimate favorite shopping buddy, suggested we go to Lord and Taylor.  I was thrilled, as we haven't had a shopping trip in years and she is so attentive.  One stipulation, can the girls come?  Her girls are the most adorable toddlers in the entire world.  Of course I would love it if they joined us.  It's time to start their training.  Little did I know that the shopping experience would be so very different.

First issue is that I am used to being the center of attention while shopping with sis.  Sis had to keep the girls in check.  Ok I was jealous, but because I am the grown up had to refrain myself.  Nice huh that I was jealous of the kids attention by their mother - might be a little selfish.

The little ladies are picking out tons of clothes.  I have to explain to the youngest that Aunt Bonnie does not wear giant geometric patterns in earth tones and that she should never as well.  The oldest had some really good pics.  Holding about 6 outfits, we decide its time to go into the dressing room.

My sister convinces the girls to come into the dressing room by telling them I will be giving a fashion show of all these clothes.  Yeah.  Keep in mind even the handicapped dressing rooms are a little tight for 2 adults and two toddlers, not to mention catwalk precision.  In we go.

In the dressing room, the girls notice that I am wearing high heels ( 4 inches).  As I am stripping down, one hugs my legs while the other rubs the shoes.  I am toppling, but manage to avoid crushing their little hands.  I put on the first outfit, both girls insist that I dance.  WHAT?  Well of course when you are doing a fashion show for toddlers you must dance.  So I am in the dressing room, in an lovely Tahari black suit and heals, bouncing swaying and shaking to my nieces' version of the Lemonaide song.  My sister is rolling on the floor laughing.   Might be time to try something different.

We leave this store and head to Sephora for makeup.  My eldest niece finds the perfume aisle. Being the good aunt, I find a bright pink bottle and tell her to hold out her wrist so I can spray her.  I sprayed her right in the eye and the poor thing is hysterical.  I am a horrible aunt and feeling terrible.  We rush to the rest room to wash out the evidence.  I think it is time for ice cream.

This was quite the experience.  I never bought so little and laughed so hard while shopping.  Might need to resort to the online stores.

A Simple Greeting Required

I hate to be ignored.  Surprised?  It's bad enough being ignored in a conversation but lately I have noticed being ignored on the street.  Let me explain.  I was casually walking on Elmwood when I see an acquaintance in the window of a coffee shop.  He is sitting with two women, looks right at me, recognized me and turns away without a "hi" or a smile.  I smiled and lifted my hand to wave, but he already turned away.  Why?

Last week I was in the grocery store, it was pretty crowded.  I friend is at the end of the aisle, I swear she sees me and turns around.   I chase after her, actually just walked quickly but she was gone. What is happening here?

I make it a point to at least say HI to anyone I know when I see them.  That's common courtesy isn't it?  When someone turns away I feel they are trying to hide something.  Maybe they are doing something they don't want you to see.  What are you hanging out with drug dealers and planning attacks  It's ridiculous.  Or is it simply that they cannot be bothered to say a simple greeting.  Do I talk too much?  Probably, but please I  know a  simple greeting when it is appropriate.

I joke with one friend who I see completely put together in the morning while I am looking a little shall we say haggard.  When we pass on our walks I smile and cover my face, saying "You did not see me - I look terrible".  We laugh and continue on.

So here's the thing.  If you see me, stop and say hi or wave or give me a big smile.  I will not bother you and it will make me feel that you are indeed a friend and that you are not hiding anything.  If not I will hunt you down, make a fool of myself and keep you talking for at least 1/2 hour!

Gone Again

We dropped Max off at camp yesterday and already the house is feeling empty and quiet.  Everything changes when he is away.  Granted I get so much more done.  THe cab driver role and house cleaner role are very time consuming when you have a teenager.

This week we will eat differently.  No real meals, unless its a salad.  Most likely we will go out for a cocktail before dinner and then just catch some appetizers.

This week we will relax differently.  No games or playing cards or tackling each other.  Most likely we will take long walks and read.

This week the house will be clean.  Big difference.  Less laundry, no more glasses and food in the family room, no stray GatorAide bottles or candy rappers, no sweatshirts on the kitchen table or sporting equipment blocking the door entrances.

This week will be quiet.  No new ipod sounds, no screaming video games, no non-stop text messaging.  No never ending stories, no non-stop questions, no hysterical laughing.

I can't wait until Max come home.

Qualified Advice

I have a problem with people who give unsolicited advice, especially when they are not qualified to give advice on the subject they are pontificating about.  Here are a few people who should either keep quiet or refrain from adamantly distributing garble.

- Uncle who borrowed money but insists on discussing how to manage retirement funds
- Friend who has never entered a gym discussing the problems with exercise routines
- Overweight acquaintance scoffing at cleansing or fasting programs
- Unemployed mother barking about the trials of full time employment
- Childless couple discussing the parental discipline choices
- Public school parents insulting the private school education
- Conservatives benefiting from public aid while slamming the democratic government's hand on approach

This list could go on but for now I think that's enough.