My Beautiful Birthday Boy

My baby turns 15 today and I am a flooded with mixed emotions.  Of course I love his birthday because I love him so very much.  But who can hide the sadness of  missing Max at 3... at 5 ...at 8?  How can I refrain from crying knowing that I only have 3 more birthdays with him at home (most likely he will be away at college which is what I want but still).

He is turning into quite an amazing man.  This year he really grew up, physically at 6 ft 132 pounds but emotionally, intellectually and socially as well.  His priorities have moved from video games to academic success.  He demonstrates empathy and responsibility in a way I never did as a teenager.  He drives himself athletically and maintains strong social relationships.  He still doesn't make up his bed, but hell neither does his dad.

I know he thinks I am old and uncool but I also know he fully understands how very important he is to me.  To soothe my emotionality, to note how hip I am to the new poetry scene, and probably to confirm how uncool I am, I offer this haiku for my lovely young man:

Maxwell fills my heart

My days, my mind, my dry soul

He is all of me 

Happy Birthday Sway!

 

He's Coming Home Today

Tonight my baby returns from Spain.  I cannot wait to see him as he has been gone for months (ok 10 days but it feels like 10 months). It's going to be a great Wednesday!

I kept a list of all the things I wanted to remember to tell him, like how dad tried to pick up a pizza from a location other than where he ordered it... how I finally found the shirt he has been looking for... how the neighbor ticked me off regarding his weeds... the status of the BP clean up... the article on college requirements...how the dog kept his smelly lacrosse socks under the table and would bite me every time I attempted a take over... how his nieces couldn't understand why he wasn't at the party ("he could just go back to Spain after he plays with us").  I don't want him to miss anything we did, or saw or heard when he was gone.

I envision him running from the gate and hugging me with yells of "I really missed you".  We'll  talk non-stop on the way home.  I'll make one of his favorite meals and he will eat like he's never had food.  He'll love the new room improvements.  We'll stay up all night looking at photos and hearing about his adventures.

What will really happen, is a brief kiss in front of his friends.  A few yes /no answers on the way home, drive thru at Mighty Taco, and off to bed.  I am sure he will be exhausted.

But hope survives because I have him all day Thursday!

Lax Tourney

"Mom I made the team!" ecstatic streams coming from his bedroom.  It started out innocently enough.  His lacrosse coach suggested try outs for an elite travel team. We didn't give it much thought: went to the try outs, joked that there was no way he could play with these amazing athletes, congratulated him on giving it a try, and forgot about it.  He made it? Thrilled, amazed, proud...but wait that means we have weekend tournaments OUT OF TOWN.  Oh the bittersweet taste of acceptance.

If you have never been an athlete, or are first time parents of an athlete, the travel tournament is like reading a Kurt Vonnegrut Jr., not really sure where you are or what is going on but it all comes together in the end.

It starts with the date and list of hotels.  No problem, we book a room in this very less than 5 star hotel, we schedule time off and MapQuest directions. One weekend tournament in Lewiston (terrific no need for hotel), one weekend in Albany and one weekend in Hershey PA.  So the husband's not thrilled that he will miss 3 weekends on the boat, but the three us will be together and our son is excited.

Next we get the schedule, which looks like a page out of the MATRIX.  A spreadsheet of 50 teams, 14 fields and 48 hours.  So 6/20 11 12 38 vs 16  9 1 26 vs 38 9 3 38 vs 47 6/21 7 10 38 vs 18 8 2 48 vs 38... do I need to call Dan Brown to break this code?

Game day.  Pack sandwiches, tons of water and gatorade, fruit, brownies.  Program navigation system.  Bring chairs, hats, umbrella, sun screen, newspaper, schedule and of course my equipped lacrosse player.  Huge line to get in.  I have never seen so many canopy tents and SUV's.  A patchwork of boys dressed in their uniforms tossing balls to each other.  My son finds his "colors" while my husband and I wonder aimlessly lugging chairs and liquids.

Oh sweet relief, we find seasoned parents.  These guys know what they are doing and we have virtually attached ourselves to them.  Dave and Dawn become our guru's and we follow them like apostles.  First game is rocky and our boys take a loss.  But they are laughing with each other and really bonding.  The rest of the day continues with another loss and then a win.  Not bad for a new team.

Driving home that night, the car was buzzing with referee calls, bad plays, and tales of bravado.  Home that night, the house buzzed with one sleepy midfielder.  Next day more of the same but with confidence from son and parents.

We did it!  Albany and Hershey? Bring it!

Cutting the umbilical cord

Today my baby leaves for a 10 day trip to Spain.  I am wearing a happy face, spewing last minute cautions and encouraging him to have a wonderful time.  But I am selfish and don't want him to be gone so far away and for so long.

Last fall he came home from school and asked if he could go to Spain with his classl.  When pressed for details, all I got was "Everyone's going, don't worry Anthony's brother is 16 and he will chaperone us".  Great as along as there is such strong supervision.  Well of course there was a lot more I needed to know, but there was no way I was going to stop him from such an adventurous experience.  I kept thinking how much he will see and how his eyes will be opened to cultures and people that I had never seen.

Besides Madrid is really only about 4,00 miles away, why should I be so concerned?  Well the real fear started when that volcano erupted and every TSA headline included "ash cloud".  Then the images of rioters while the Greek economy collapsed.  How about protestors after Israel's boat strike?  It's not that I think he will be safer in the US and its not like I believe he will be targeted overseas.  It's just that I won't be there.  Maybe this is good practice because in the immediate future I won't be there a lot...I want to be there but let's face it I really can't.

I'd like to say I am going to spend these next several days working on myself; exercising daily, writing more, finishing some house projects.  But most likely I will obsess about his trip.  I will follow him online from Madrid to Burgos to San Sebastian to Barcelona and on and on until he is back at the Buffalo airport.

Safe trip my luv!

Moving Up to High School

Today my son graduates from 8th grade; no more middle school.  It's so cliche to say that time goes by quickly and to question how it seems like only yesterday since , but I cannot help but think about the changes we have experienced over the past 4 years.

I was thrilled when he received his acceptance letter from Nichols Middle School.  His initial day of 5th grade was a camp sleep over to get to know each other.  He couldn't wait to meet the new kids, to have his first camping trip overnight and to start middle school.  That morning at 3:00 am he came into our room feeling odd.  His left eye, lip and right hand were swelled up like a beaten boxer.  He had some allergic reaction and was swelling like mad.  After much worry, at trip to the ER and a lot of benodryl, we sent him off.  We sat discussing what his next four years would be like if this was the start.

Today he is a different boy. Actually he is much more like a man than a boy.  He has established close friendships with good kids and has learned not just about history, math and science but about himself and who his is becoming.

Days were not always good.  There was the exercising of self, followed by detention.  There was the first lie and ramifications for that choice.  There was slipping of grades and painful lessons of responsibility.  But there was also the first dance, the winning of the chess tournament, the guitar performance and the science olympiad medals.

I know high school is going to fly by and that we will experience even greater changes.  That our young man will become more independent, more serious and more focused.  Although today I am nostalgic for 5th grade and my little boy, I am looking forward to what high school will bring and to the man I will be looking at this time four years later.

A Self-Reflecting Mother's Day

Yesterday morning my husband asked me what I thought about being a mother.  I thought odd question.  My son is everything to me and I couldn't love him anymore, but how do you really describe being a mom?

It's not at all what I expected.  It is so much more.  When we decided to have a baby, we thought another person becoming a part of "us".  It would complete our little family.  Who would have known how all encompassing it is?  Probably other mothers.

Although I fulfill many roles (daughter, sister, friend, wife, etc), mother is the only one that I really feel every part of the day.  It wakes me up in the middle of the night.  Yes I still go to his room at 3 am to check on him.  I hit the alarm thinking what he should have for breakfast.  I look forward to seeing him open his eyes when I wake him for school. This lasts all day with my noticing things he may be interested in, or listening to music he likes or thinking about how he is doing on a test or in lax practice.

Does this end?  I don't think end, but the intensity will probably change.  I can't image not worrying about him everyday.  Now its adolescence, school, sports and always health/safety.  Later it will be college and work and his family.

I was speaking to a friend who choose not to have children.  He asked how that could be worth it. What he doesn't understand is that one hug, or smile or wink recharges the batteries exhausted by weariness and worry.  My baby's laugh this morning will keep me going through forgotten homework, messy room, and poor attitude.